Mother of Them All..

Today is not a good day. For some reason there's been this cloud over my head for the passed few days and today seems like the Mother of them all. It's hard to look your pain in the face and keep on. I feel insecure, like it's me against the world. Through thick and thin it's just me. I guess the pain is stemming from this place that people around me have something that I've wanted for so long and I don't have it. All I've ever wanted was someone that understood me and accepted me the way I am. Someone who loves me just as much as I love them. The years pass by and nothing changes. It's still just me. If I open up, I get hurt, I stay closed up, I still hurt. It seems so out of my reach and I wonder what I've done to deserve it. During a few of my weakest moments, I didn't have anyone to run to. No one to support me. I've become weary and tired. I like to pride myself in saying I can do it all on my own but truth is sometimes you just need that hug or comforting assurance from someone who knows every fiber in you and who's love matches every ounce of your love. I wonder if life was meant to be lived this way, so alone and on your own, why are we sharing this place, time, etc with others to even begin with? Sometimes I'm having such a difficult time letting people in and when I do let them in, I'm having a hard time letting them go. This is simply the root of my problems. I don't know how to balance it. Trust is something I don't and can't do so easily. The foundation of my trust has been shaken from the very bottom at a very early age. I mended it best I knew how but through years of wear and tear, it's crumbling and there's no hope of remodeling. It's taking a lot out of me to stay positive but I'm just so tempted to fall, not fight gravity and just let the earth swallow me up.