Slow day at work today and thinking about my post yesterday. I think my understanding of love is a little different from what I thought love is. I have a deep respect for the people I say I love. For me, despite the differences, that love will remain without hard feelings. No matter how much time would pass. This last time that I've loved, separation is unbearable. I can't help but wonder sometimes if it would be in everyone's best interest if I did make a break. I notice my practice is stronger when I make a break even though the emptiness feels like I've been gutted. This is something to ponder on.
I don't know if this is coincidence or all in my head or real but it seems when I'm consistent with my practice, I receive things that I need at that particular time. Today I stumbled upon a quote from Asana Journal that seems to resonate with my current thoughts, situation, feelings, etc.:
"It may take some time to understand that life can't always go our way. People move on and change their minds, and leave us stranded. But we have to remember there's always a road that will lead us to wonderful places unseen, to people unheard and stories untold. Start practising on the mat - unlearn what we learnt and reach somewhere we have never been before."
This is something I must learn & implement in my life. Living in the past, whether reliving the sweet or bitter moments, I'm holding myself back from growing for the better. I think it's time I learned how to unlearn a few things. I have a hard time dealing with situations that don't go my way. It's to feel uncomfortable or incompetent or undesirable, etc. In all these situations I feel out of control because what I wish or will is not happening. I mean it would be hard to believe if people woke up one day hoping that they could feel uncomfortable or incompetent or undesirable. No one wills that stuff. I realize I find myself feeling these ways when people decide they've had their fill of me. I have issues when people that I care for all of a sudden decide other people are more important, not equally important. They say from their mouth that I'm equally important but their actions indicate otherwise. Since then, I lock myself/my emotions up and indulge in something. Before it was alcohol. Now it's turned into food. Food doesn't seem harmful compared to what we hear about alcoholics, but let me tell you, food is just as harmful if not more. At least with liquor you would need a license to purchase it and a cop could ticket or arrest you for consuming way too much alcohol. With food, it's everywhere!!! And no one gets in trouble for eating too much other than with their health. And for the main part, they are the only ones dealing with the repercussions of overeating.
I am have eaten myself into obesity. Granted the doctor said only my vitamin D and B12 were deficient and that's only from being a vegetarian (I also am a firm believer that drinking way too much milk contributed to my vitamin D deficiency despite what scientists have been saying that were paid by milk companies) and my cholesterol is high. But that is still not a good indication of my overall health. I don't sleep well, can't walk up a flight of stairs without being out of breath at the top of the stairs. I'm always fatigued, my self-esteem is low, I'm sure all this extra fat is pushing on organs which can cause problems. Obesity is a big problem to having a piece of mind and happiness in life. For my own sake, I need to learn to let go of by gones, let go of people who do not want to be in my life and not bend over backwards when they finally decide they want to be in it again. There are some things in life that I need to keep consistent for myself, such as making myself healthy physically, emotionally, spiritually. I cannot explain how I know this and to what level, any type of explanation would do injustice to the understanding but I think this purpose to life is not to cause this harm to ourselves and live a toxic life. Rather I think it's about learning about life and mastering it skillfully. I don't think we are given difficulties in life out of hatred or that we're not loved, but it's what we want and the result of our actions that we receive what we do. We have no one to blame other than ourselves. The more we become aware of our actions and their results, the more we're able to make better choices. We are the cause of our own suffering and/or healing.
Today, I was really struggling with facing my feelings and I noticed this. Every time an unpleasant feeling or thought comes up, I crave sweets or foods with cheese, dairy or carbs exactly the same way I craved alcohol. Now I have to keep myself focused on actually feeling, even if it's uncomfortable rather than reaching for something to eat. I cannot keep myself from eating out of spite, but coming only from a place of love and compassion. Then only will I learn and pull myself out of this Catch 22.
I am have eaten myself into obesity. Granted the doctor said only my vitamin D and B12 were deficient and that's only from being a vegetarian (I also am a firm believer that drinking way too much milk contributed to my vitamin D deficiency despite what scientists have been saying that were paid by milk companies) and my cholesterol is high. But that is still not a good indication of my overall health. I don't sleep well, can't walk up a flight of stairs without being out of breath at the top of the stairs. I'm always fatigued, my self-esteem is low, I'm sure all this extra fat is pushing on organs which can cause problems. Obesity is a big problem to having a piece of mind and happiness in life. For my own sake, I need to learn to let go of by gones, let go of people who do not want to be in my life and not bend over backwards when they finally decide they want to be in it again. There are some things in life that I need to keep consistent for myself, such as making myself healthy physically, emotionally, spiritually. I cannot explain how I know this and to what level, any type of explanation would do injustice to the understanding but I think this purpose to life is not to cause this harm to ourselves and live a toxic life. Rather I think it's about learning about life and mastering it skillfully. I don't think we are given difficulties in life out of hatred or that we're not loved, but it's what we want and the result of our actions that we receive what we do. We have no one to blame other than ourselves. The more we become aware of our actions and their results, the more we're able to make better choices. We are the cause of our own suffering and/or healing.
Today, I was really struggling with facing my feelings and I noticed this. Every time an unpleasant feeling or thought comes up, I crave sweets or foods with cheese, dairy or carbs exactly the same way I craved alcohol. Now I have to keep myself focused on actually feeling, even if it's uncomfortable rather than reaching for something to eat. I cannot keep myself from eating out of spite, but coming only from a place of love and compassion. Then only will I learn and pull myself out of this Catch 22.
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