So it's been close to 3 weeks since my engagement has broken off. For a moment there I thought I wasn't cursed or challenged. Who was I kidding? I went straight back to my old habits of loving the man that would never have anything to do with me. In fact, it's been a week since him and I argued. I had tricked myself into believing it was possible for him to love me back, which during the argument he reminded me that he thinks I'm emotionally unstable. He's made it clear to avoid serious relationships with women of a certain group because his opinion of them is they're emotionally unstable. We had met at this group which automatically puts me in that category. On top of all that, he accused me of lying to him which just threw me into tears because he's the one person in my life I've let in this deep. I've recoiled just thinking how broken I feel because 1) how did I ever fall this much in love and 2) if I'm crying and this broken over him accusing me of lying, am I really emotionally unstable then? I've closed myself up, boarded up shop in fear that he's right. Then my mind wanders and asks, but isn't that just human behavior to have a weakness, something that brings out the worst, something that brings a person to his/ her knees?
I think what broke me most from all this was he asked me on couple occasions what I want and that he'd do one thing, anything, for me. Instantaneously my mind and heart jumped to say " marry me" as this is the one thing I've wanted since the beginning of time. I have loved him before I even knew he existed. My voice and mouth couldn't get the words out. my heart wouldn't allow it. I have made sure with myself time and time again that it's not lust that I feel but love. My heart won't agree to bind him in such a commitment. He will come to me, love me out of free will or not at all. I had some hope as I was under the impression I was becoming worthy. I realized I can't bind him, but if he's seeing me as emotionally unstable, I want to improve. I felt like all the wind was knocked out of me when he accused me of lying.
Though all this, the one thing that irritates me is that I've failed to keep my promises to myself of living a more healthy lifestyle. I've not made any progress in losing weight or growing spiritually. I've made a small dent in coming closer to graduate but even that has been halted due to my sheer carelessness and laziness. Why am I always giving precedence to romantic interests rather than improving myself? I felt like a failure, a fool when my engagement broke that I thought somebody was really committing to me. All this is a joke and it's not coming from a place of resentment or anger or sorrow. I feel like I'm seeing the world for what it is, no fluffing or fabricating, no sugar coating or exaggerating. Life can be beautiful and happy at times, it can also be harsh and sad at times. I've began to ask myself though if I'm really understanding it correctly agree he said I'm emotionally unstable. I've seen a difference in my understanding when I meditate and when I don't. I wonder if my thoughts and feelings are more accurate when I am practicing as opposed to when I'm not.
I'm going to recommit to practicing every single day for the next 30 days. I have to commit to myself that I'm not my own best friend in theory but in practice as well. After the 30 days off successfully doing my practice everyday, I'll get myself a punching bag and gloves to help me get back into shape. I'm going to keep my practice, health, work and school at the most priority. I'm breaking communication with him and people outside of family until I make good progress and am established in my practice to a degree that I won't leave it for anything temporary or something that won't help me build myself. This is the only way to avoid further entanglements and workout the ones I already have.
