This Should Have Been Called "My Weary Soul"

Much has changed since I last blogged. I've moved to Central Ohio, working as a Project Manager and am pursuing my Master's in Computer Science. There are, however, a few things that have not changed: I'm still obese, I'm struggling with meditating everyday (although it is better than what it used to be), I haven't been as active since moving here about 8 months ago. The lists of change and sameness can go on and on.

I keep forgetting I have this blog where I can express myself, fallen out of the habit after my sister snooped and found my diary about 10 years or so ago. Totally turned me off to writing. But I need an outlet...there's a shift happening (or already happened) in my life and I need a tool to cope with it. Since moving here, I haven't made a single friend which is the most mind boggling thing to me ever. I'm used to making friends anywhere I've worked, but here, people are focused on their children and putting up a facade at work that they can't let people into their lives and families outside of work. It's hilarious that these people call themselves Christians. Such hypocrites and the irony... They're all Republicans saying there should be a limit to government involvement in our lives, yet they complain when government won't help them keep jobs such as coal mining (which contributes to global warming despite their denying it) because they don't want to learn a new trade EVEN THOUGH THE GOVERNMENT WOULD PAY FOR THEM TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL. It's a sad excuse of a place. But on the flip side, it's helping me focus on my studies.

The reason why I am turning to this blog is I've lost friends from back home...they have moved on with life without me, the man I call my best friend and love has also refused to see me, the distance has been great in regards to my family because they drive me nuts when we're together, I haven't made friends in this god forsaken town and I'm feeling very broken. The thing is, I have a two bedroom place, too big for me alone. Ignorant, biased, unkind people all around me. What's killing me inside is that I was so excited about seeing him last week, but guess what...he didn't want to see me. I miss him, everyday, with every breath I take. He's home to me. I'm feeling broken. My heart literally, no joke, aches and pains. Feels like it's broken into pieces. There's a hole there that can't be filled. I try to move on, my mind is telling me it's important to move forward and grow through this...how can I if he's the air to my fire? The wave to my ocean? The right to my left? The peanut butter to my jelly? The breath to my life? Now I'm pretty feminist and I'm not saying that a man should covet a woman's identity and that she must be submissive...all I'm saying is that in him (outside of myself) I've found the one I want to be better for. I know I'm not his type romantically, but as my dearest friend, someone I thought we could still share our lives...all done? It feels like the wind has been punched out of me. It's not about loneliness, it's about deep sorrow--so deep it feels like dying would be the better option. I've become so tired, I just want my soul to rest. I want to rejuvenate it and nurture it, but can't find that within me right now. I just want to crumble and fall, let everything, every part of life fade away...wither away until it's dust in the wind.

My question comes back full circle...what am I doing this for? Why am I here? What is my purpose? Surely there has to be more reason for me to exist than for me to go to work while pursuing my education so that I can do different work, cook once a while (for one person), see a few movies and die. Married life and building a family isn't the only achievement in a person's life, but as I get older, the majority of people around me are or have been married and/or have children. Hardly any of them are in the same boat as me...it's difficult to find a solid group of people to connect with because we don't live each other's lives, we can't entirely relate. It's very isolating. I am finding that about myself is that I don't like isolation...Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't want a husband and children just to fit in the crowd, but I've wanted that my whole life. I still see a baby and my heart melts. I see two people in love and think it's the most beautiful thing. I'm a big softy in that sense. I want it for me though, I want someone I come home to, someone committed to me and someone I commit to. And I don't want it to be just someone, I want it to be him. I want to love him without limits, I want him to love me without limits. What a pipe dream...anyway, back to bitching about "friends."

I don't have a huge group of friends, but when I consider someone a friend, I consider them to be close to me. Every time though..."friends" move on and don't keep trying...don't keep me in the group. Is there something wrong with me? I've asked that to myself again and again. You know the answer I find? We usually meet when they need something/someone...they're going through a period in their life and voila, I'm there. They find solace and strength in our friendship, then they ditch me when shit is going well. And I'm left in the dust. I'm not included part of their happiness. When I need them, they're no where to be found. Side note: one of my friends who used to be my manager apparently took a trip with other friends to Alabama...further than here. I'd been asking her to visit. I tried spending time with her when I went back home, she made some excuses. I guess I don't fit into the mom's club.

There was one exception...he was there without me asking him to be...now he's moving on too. I can't handle it this time...I'm broken, tired, I surrender...I give up.

There are days I imagine a huge knife or sword just going through the middle of my chest, through my lungs, through my heart and coming out the other side. Blood oozing from the cut, warm, sticky, maroon blood. Just draining my body until my body looses warmth, turns bluish gray and becomes heavy as soon as my soul departs this burden of a life. How wonderful and light I would feel just letting my life go, drifting away from these desires and sorrows. Never shedding a tear again. Never feeling my heart ache and pain, swelling with happiness or sadness. Just nothingness. Don't have to deal with my eyes welling up with salty tears, sinuses congesting up, and my head hurting from crying. Never would I ever have to deal with the knots in my neck and back from never being touched, from never feeling the warmth of a body, from turning cold and rigid due to zero human intimacy...

Feeling More Positive...

Although I didn't blog last night, I was pretty satisfied with myself. I was so exhausted that I didn't want to stay up to blog. Super psyched because I got a great pair of walking shoes and the Botanical Garden is on my way home! I'm planning on stopping there after work to walk for 30-60 mins each day when I don't have errands that I must do such as going to the bank before it closes. Yesterday, I completed approximately 40% of my goals again. Tonight it's 50% of my goals. Slowly seeing an increase in accomplishment makes me happy.

So yesterday mom, dad and I went to the mall to walk around and spend time together outside of home and not doing chores. I told them I'm going to see fireworks Friday and they're welcome to come but if they aren't ready on time, I'm leaving. Turns out they're not coming anyway! I will be going with a friend and maybe a friend of hers. I am somewhat regretting asking her to go though because I really just want to enjoy the fireworks in peace and solitude. There's just something about it that fills me up with joy and I just want to enjoy it to my hearts content without speaking or taking pictures before during or after. Welp, let's see how goes! I'm also juicing for 60 days -- juicing fast. I'm going to pump myself with nutrients and hope to see changes. It will be well worth it. I already made it known to family not to ask me about food. I should have purchased a scale today so I can track my weight loss. I will be sure to purchase one tomorrow. I'm seeing a change in my face and my energy level. I sort of am disgusted with consuming and consuming. It's not the unhealthy kind of disgusted, it's the healthy kind like tired of excessive consuming. I felt like this about pasta few months ago and it's been a very very long time that I've had pasta so I'm happy about this change for the better. Better late than never!

So I'm realizing my thoughts are all over the place in this blog and that's quite alright. I figured this much would happen when I started to make changes. My body and mind are freaking out on the surface level already. I can just imagine what it'll be for the next 60 days. It's going to get worse before it gets better...it usually does. Yoga and meditation should help; abhayanga should be a relief as well. I plan on getting at least a couple massages as well to allow the tension to settle. I've never been this determined about starting this before.

I spoke to my academic advisor today and I'll be getting a plan soon enough of what I need to do to graduate. I'm not that far but it's just a matter of them offering the classes. I'm not sure it'll be anytime this year but I'm still signed up for required classes at the community college here. Slowly but surely I'll get this finished and focus on lifting off for my career. I have to start reading the HTML5 and CSS3 book within a week so that I'm finished with it before my classes start. I also discovered a whole bunch of classes/training and books through work that will help me with PMP and soooo many other subjects. I might even try my hand at making an android app. Then I'll secretly hope some huge company will pay me gazillions for the app and I can retire early. Hey, a woman can dream can't she?! ;)

My dad wants to put my ad in the newspaper to look for a spouse. I said hey why not? I have absolutely nothing to lose. I've tried and tried all these years and I'm giving up the wheel. I'm trying new approaches and I will just sit back and enjoy the show. Right now in this very moment, I feel I have bigger fish to fry such as finishing school, losing weight, making sure I have a routine of meditating and doing yoga down before I take responsibility of anyone else or putting myself on their shoulders. Ask me again tomorrow though, might get a different response. No actually when it comes down to it, even when I'm bitching about being single and not having children yet, not having purchased my own home...I'm just frustrated with myself that I haven't achieved any of this. I secretly want to put life on pause so that I don't grow older and then master all these things or achieve all this so that I can have the type of spouse I want. The type of spouse I want wouldn't choose me as I am right this moment. I'm an example of insanity because I keep doing the same old things expecting different results but how can I get different results when deep down inside I keep giving the universe mixed signals?! Good Lord, I exhaust myself!

I will do this. All of this. One by one, before we all know it...this is going to happen and I will enjoy it for this moment will never come again. I must make the best of it!

First Nightly Entry

So the end of the day is here. I finished 1 thing from my list of 9 for today. Currently I'm blogging and that will be the 2nd item I finish from today's list. After I log off from blogging, I'll have 4 things crossed off as I plan to meditate while lying in bed waiting to fall asleep. 40% for the day is not too shabby considering I normally hit 10-20% on a daily basis.

I wasted time again today watching a couple shows. But I give myself kudos for shutting it off to be sure I make this entry and seeing what else I can do to cross off more from my list for today before calling it quits. Today, during one of the shows I got really sad because a father was becoming emotional about his daughter growing older and becoming interested in guys. I became sad thinking I will miss this in my life because I'm so sure I will never have it. It feels so far, so unattainable to me. I have a feeling I will become an old maid and have tons of cats because I can't stand dogs. I only might've cried for 2-3 minutes but it was 2-3 minutes I would've rather lived without. I don't like crying, I don't like feeling something is out of my control. Why do I want this so bad and I'm not getting it? I've wanted this since I was little. I felt I was ready since I was 22. Here I am, turning 28 in about a month and not even close to having a family of my own. It's like someone punched the life out of me. I've accepted defeat, waving my white flag. I've surrendered yet I'm still being slaughtered ruthlessly. Meg's words are coming back to me though: life could be much worse. I live in a home, have some good health, food in my belly, water at my disposal, electricity at my fingertips, a functioning brain and limbs, I have a job, a car...and yet I think poor me. I think I need to start focusing on the positives in my life and be more thankful.

On the flip side, everyone is facing difficulties no matter if it's first world or third world. Everyone's problems are different relative to what situation they're in. I want to be content with my life no matter where in life I am. I wish no one ever faces the place I'm in right now because it's really heart wrenching. I would never wish this upon my enemy. Not having the one I love. Not having the prospect of someone in my life. Not having children or even the hope of having children. Not having achieved anything in life. I hope for all in existence that they receive proper guidance and are able to avoid the situation I'm in or at the very least be able to come out of it so fast that it doesn't jade them. I hope they find their purpose in life for waking up every morning and moving on with the day. I hope they find their passion and contribution to mankind. I hope everyone finds their happiness and is in sheer ecstasy till their last breath. I hope...

If At First You Don't Succeed...

...pick yourself up and try again...dust yourself off and try again, try again... I keep saying I will start practicing again, exercising, eating healthy, study, etc. I do not follow through. I haven't practiced once since last summer. I haven't gone for a walk for the sake of exercise probably since December last year. I might eat healthy for the beginning portion of the day then binge the second half. I haven't studied since Fall 2013. I just realized yesterday how much time and money I've wasted over these years in regards to my studies. I'm only a few classes away from graduating and I now have to wait a long while because I was neglectful and didn't give it my all. I graduated high school in 2004, I should at the very least have my Masters now considering how much time and money I've put into this. This is really not the time to procrastinate. I should have been 4 years strong into practicing, achieved at least the slightest bit, yet nothing. I have nothing to show for the time I've been capable. Same thing with weight loss. I have really let myself down. I also noticed yesterday that if I continue down the path I've been going, I will have one messed up head and I won't even be able to help myself. I really don't want to do something because I'm all of a sudden forced to; I need to start now. I can turn things around if I start this very moment. I must put aside the excuses and distractions. You know what always gets me off track? People. Whether it's family, friends, love interests; everyone expresses a need and I work hard to fulfill it when I could've put all that towards making myself better. Oh, this person is crying? Let me wipe their tears. Oh, that person needs help? Let me spend my time and money. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with giving but I have to take care of myself first. No one is going to be there when I need them most. Even my own family has rubbed salt on my wounds. That being said though, they never did it maliciously and I have to be sure to remind myself of that.

How does one start to change when there's so much that needs changing? People always say start small; how do I start small when all these changes apply to everyday lifestyle? I would have to concentrate on change from the moment I wake up to the moment I sleep and even beyond that. That is some tough shit and I can see myself being really mean because I'd be struggling through those changes. If I don't change though, I can see myself being really miserable because I'd be unhappy as hell and it would be a downward spiral. At least the first seems more appealing because I'd be temporarily a mean person. I must push myself, there is no one else there to push me. I'm all I've got and I must give it to myself to be all I know I can be. I can't worry about the struggles that will come after because I'll overwhelm myself then. I have to take it one day at a time, one hour at a time if need be or even one minute at a time, but I will do this. I need to be able to look myself in the mirror. Answer to myself. Be proud of myself. I need to have confidence in myself. I need to love myself. All that I'm looking for from others, I must learn to give myself. I must learn to choose the positive and change the negative.

God, grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change, the COURAGE to change the things I can and the WISDOM to know the difference today.

I will create a list of goals for myself for the day. I will blog at the end of every single one of my days of how the day went and progress on the goals I had set for the day. It will be dry at times but I will do it; it helps to have a visual rather than just remembering. At this point in my life, I need to see the problems to be able to change them.

Signing off for now...

Good Lord, it's been over a year!!

So it's been close to 3 weeks since my engagement has broken off.  For a moment there I thought I wasn't cursed or challenged.  Who was I kidding?  I went straight back to my old habits of loving the man that would never have anything to do with me. In  fact,  it's been a week since him and I argued. I had tricked myself into believing it was possible for him to love me back,  which during the argument he reminded me that he thinks I'm emotionally unstable.  He's made it clear to avoid serious relationships with women of a certain group because his opinion of them is they're emotionally unstable.  We had met at this group which automatically puts me in that category.  On top of all that,  he accused me of lying to him which just threw me into tears because he's the one person in my life I've let in this deep.  I've recoiled just thinking how broken I feel because 1)  how did I ever fall this much in love and 2) if I'm crying and this broken over him accusing me of lying,  am I really emotionally unstable then?  I've closed myself up,  boarded up shop in fear that he's right.  Then my mind wanders and asks, but isn't that just human behavior to have a weakness,  something that brings out the worst, something that brings a person to his/ her knees?

I think what broke me most from all this was he asked me on couple occasions what I want and that he'd do one thing,  anything,  for me.  Instantaneously my mind and heart jumped to say " marry me" as this is the one thing I've wanted since the beginning of time.  I have loved him before I even knew he existed.  My voice and mouth couldn't get the words out.  my heart wouldn't allow it.  I have made sure with myself time and time again that it's not lust that I feel but love.  My heart won't agree to bind him in such a commitment.  He will come to me,  love me out of free will or not at all.  I had some hope as I was under the impression I was becoming worthy.  I realized I can't bind him,  but if he's seeing me as emotionally unstable, I want to improve.  I felt like all the wind was  knocked out of me when he accused me of lying.

 Though all this, the one thing that irritates me is that I've failed to keep my promises to myself of living a more healthy lifestyle.  I've not made any progress in losing weight or growing spiritually.  I've made a small dent in coming closer to graduate but even that has been halted due to my sheer carelessness and laziness.  Why am I always giving precedence to romantic interests rather than improving myself? I felt like a failure, a fool when my engagement broke that I thought somebody was really committing to me.  All this is a joke and it's not coming from a place of resentment or anger or sorrow. I feel like I'm seeing the world for what it is,  no fluffing or fabricating, no sugar coating or exaggerating.  Life can be beautiful and happy at times, it can also be harsh and sad  at times.  I've began to ask myself though if I'm really understanding it correctly agree he said I'm emotionally unstable.  I've seen a difference in my understanding when I  meditate and when I don't. I wonder if my thoughts and feelings are more accurate when I am practicing as opposed to when I'm not.

 I'm going to recommit to practicing every single day for the next 30 days. I  have to commit to myself that I'm not my own best friend in theory but in practice as well.  After the 30 days off successfully doing my practice everyday,  I'll get myself a punching bag and gloves to help me get back into shape.  I'm going to keep my practice,  health, work and school at the most priority.  I'm breaking communication with him and people outside of family until I make good progress and am established in my practice to a degree that I won't leave it for anything temporary or something that won't help me build myself.  This is the only way to avoid further entanglements and workout the ones I already have.

It's been a while

Haven't been on here for a while. So far I've been eating better than before, there's been somewhat of  a change in weight. However, I have not been practicing or exercising. I have to jump back onto that band wagon. I notice I've been wasting time with things that don't really propel my achievements forward. My goals are not begin met. It's simply not enough to have a vision, I must put a step forward and keep going. If I'm thirsty, staring at the glass of water will not satiate me, I must get up and take the glass of water and drink from it. I will have to be aware of my actions from beginning to end, until the water is going down my throat and into my belly. Even then, I must be aware of when I need to expel it by urination. All this probably sounds crazy or weird but being aware of even the slightest change should help. It's really important that I learn about myself and learn how to change my life. I'm not in the best place in my life right now and if I continue on this path, there will be big problems. I have to learn to look at the positives and let those grow.

Below is a 12 week rough draft plan of what I am aiming for. There may be some changes as to what I do during yoga, meditation and cardio and what I'm eating but the times and durations will remain. For what I'm going to eat: I will not have grains from week 1 until the finish of week 4. Weeks 1-4, I will only have fruits and vegetables, lentils and beans for protein and dairy limited to just salad dressing & shredded cheese for taste on my salad. Week 5, I can start incorporating some grains into my diet for breakfast and lunch such as brown rice, oats, corn bread, quinoa, couscous, barley but I will eliminate dairy salad dressings and substitute it with homemade oil/vinegar based dressings. My dinners for all 12 weeks will be light soups or fruits and teas.

Week 1 (March 26-April 1): Wake up at 4:30am. Do yoga for 30 mins and pack my lunch before I head to work. Have breakfast in the car on the way to work.

Week 2 (April 2-April 8): Wake up at 4:30am. Do yoga for 30 mins and have breakfast at home before I head to work. Do 30 mins cardio at the gym on my way home from work & pack a lunch before I go to bed.

Week 3 (April 9-April 15): Wake up at 4:15am. Do yoga for 30 mins and have breakfast at home before I head to work. Do 30 mins cardio at the gym on my way home from work & pack a lunch before I go to bed.

Week 4 (April 16-April 22): Wake up at 4:15am. Do yoga for 30 mins and meditate for 15 minutes. Have breakfast at home before I head to work. Do 30 mins cardio at the gym on my way home from work & pack a lunch before I go to bed.

Week 5 April 23-April 29): Wake up at 4am. Do yoga for 30 mins and meditate for 15 minutes. Have breakfast at home before I head to work. Do 30 mins cardio at the gym on my way home from work & pack a lunch before I go to bed.

Week 6 (April 30-May 6): Wake up at 4am. Do yoga for 30 mins and meditate for 30 minutes. Have breakfast at home before I head to work. Do 30 mins cardio at the gym on my way home from work & pack a lunch before I go to bed.

Week 7 (May 7-May 13): Wake up at 4am. Do cardio for 15 mins, yoga for 30 mins and meditate for 30 minutes. Have breakfast at home before I head to work. Do 30 mins cardio at the gym on my way home from work & pack a lunch before I go to bed.

Week 8 (May 14-May 20): Wake up at 3:45am. Do cardio for 30 mins, yoga for 15 mins and meditate for 30 minutes. Have breakfast at home before I head to work. Do 30 mins cardio at the gym on my way home from work & pack a lunch before I go to bed.

Week 9 (May 21-May 27): Wake up at 3:45am. Do cardio for 30 mins, yoga for 15 mins and meditate for 30 minutes. Have breakfast at home before I head to work. Do 30 cardio at the gym on my way home from work and yoga for 15 mins & pack a lunch before I go to bed.

Week 10 (May 28-June 3): Wake up at 3:30am. Do cardio for 30 mins, yoga for 15 mins and meditate for 30 minutes. Have breakfast at home before I head to work. Do 30 cardio at the gym on my way home from work, yoga for 15 mins and meditate for 30 mins. Pack a lunch before I go to bed.

Week 11 (June 4-June10): Wake up at 3:30am. Do cardio for 30 mins, yoga for 30 mins and meditate for 30 minutes. Have breakfast at home before I head to work. Do 30 cardio at the gym on my way home from work, yoga for 15 mins and meditate for 30 mins. Pack a lunch before I go to bed.

Week 12 (June 11-June 17): Wake up at 3:30am. Do cardio for 45 mins, yoga for 15 mins and meditate for 30 minutes. Have breakfast at home before I head to work. Do 30 cardio at the gym on my way home from work, yoga for 15 mins and meditate for 30 mins. Pack a lunch before I go to bed.

Mother of Them All..

Today is not a good day. For some reason there's been this cloud over my head for the passed few days and today seems like the Mother of them all. It's hard to look your pain in the face and keep on. I feel insecure, like it's me against the world. Through thick and thin it's just me. I guess the pain is stemming from this place that people around me have something that I've wanted for so long and I don't have it. All I've ever wanted was someone that understood me and accepted me the way I am. Someone who loves me just as much as I love them. The years pass by and nothing changes. It's still just me. If I open up, I get hurt, I stay closed up, I still hurt. It seems so out of my reach and I wonder what I've done to deserve it. During a few of my weakest moments, I didn't have anyone to run to. No one to support me. I've become weary and tired. I like to pride myself in saying I can do it all on my own but truth is sometimes you just need that hug or comforting assurance from someone who knows every fiber in you and who's love matches every ounce of your love. I wonder if life was meant to be lived this way, so alone and on your own, why are we sharing this place, time, etc with others to even begin with? Sometimes I'm having such a difficult time letting people in and when I do let them in, I'm having a hard time letting them go. This is simply the root of my problems. I don't know how to balance it. Trust is something I don't and can't do so easily. The foundation of my trust has been shaken from the very bottom at a very early age. I mended it best I knew how but through years of wear and tear, it's crumbling and there's no hope of remodeling. It's taking a lot out of me to stay positive but I'm just so tempted to fall, not fight gravity and just let the earth swallow me up.