Now It Begins

I'm a 26 year old woman, daughter, sister, coworker, student, friend, aunt, ex girlfriend who is single, obese, loving, caring/sweet, impatient, honest, self conscious, desperate, tired. Over the years I have changed so much and I have really become more hard, negative, sad, angry and rough due to all the experiences I've had. I used to be self loving, now I'm self loathing. Whether I am self loving or self loathing, I will inevitably have to live through life. There is no choice. Why then, would I choose to make it more difficult on myself than I have to? If I have to spend this time on earth, why not spend it well? I'm tired of passing my days eating, sleeping, working, watching tv/movies, living dreams in my head rather than actually living in the present moment. My dreams are nothing wrong. I want to be loved. I want to love without thinking too much and be loved back. I don't want to play games and manipulate another, nor do I want those in return. I wonder what it would be to have what others have: family & house. Many times I feel it'll be mundane. I hear so many women at work talk endlessly about their kids and how pregnancy was/is for them and their family life. I can't believe that we are lost in all these roles we play in life. Imagine if an actor or actress lost their identity. If Sandra Bullock was thinking she was all these other characters. She wouldn't know who she was anymore after the movie was over. Then she would go into the next role, then the next and next. She would eventually break down if she never knew who she really was. She would feel the need to have some role, some purpose to play to trick her mind into knowing who she really is. This happens to us all on one level or another. We get so absorbed into others that we lose ourselves and we don't know how to handle ourselves if that situation changes or the person we identify ourselves with is no longer in our life either by choice or death. 

This is something I struggle with. I don't know myself anymore. I have been struggling with being single for a very long time. I feel bad when guys talk to me for booty calls but never really wanting to stick around to be "that" guy in my life. I think it started when I was little because my family members always did their own things. I hardly saw my parents as a child. They worked 2 jobs, day and night. My sisters are 7 and 8 years older than me and they had their own friends and schooling and interests. It was never until I was older that they began including me in things. Even then and now it feels weird at times. The people I live with, I've figured out who they are so I'm comfortable living with them but they seem like nothing more than strangers. I have changed myself to be how they want me to be. I despise them for what and who I've become. Thinking that if I behaved how they wanted me to, only I would suffer. This is not the truth, I haven't been true to myself and I've become miserable as well as making them miserable because they thought behaving how they want me to behave would make me happier. Matter of fact is, it's made me more miserable and this is not what they wanted for me. Their intentions were good but it didn't work out better than what it was. However, someone smart did say to this that everything is bound to change at some point. If you keep changing things over and over again, you're picking what you like best from all the times you changed then you're not working with the true thing. This really hit me hard. If I did do overs and picked the best one from that, I've made myself more lazy and disrupted what growth would have come from it. Whatever situation I am in now, whether I like it or not, is what I need to work through. I need to let go of the past, whatever happened good or bad. I just need to think about where I am right now and where I want to be. I need to figure out how I will get there. For my own good, I should not dwell in the past, I need to live now and move forward.

Here is my beginning of letting the past go and moving forward. I will be incorporating three major techniques in my life: exercise, diet and meditation. These take time and I will have to take inventory of how I am spending my time. Something may have to go, I will need to pick what it is from my daily life that is not doing me any good and replace it with these three things. It may not be as apparent at first, but eventually I will know what is wasting my time. I will have to take risks and push beyond my limits. It might get uncomfortable or scary at times. My intention with this blog is to note all that arises, good and bad. This story is not just mine, but it is that of every being out there. I think deep down inside we know we can be better but we are stuck somewhere. We are all fighting our own demons, but in the end, they're all demons. I will make daily entries, some days may be bland, others eventful, others the worst day of my life. Whatever comes my way, I must take and work through. I hope this gives some direction to myself as I peel away the layers of hurt, sorrow, fear, etc. I know I can be better, more positive, stronger. I hope this also gives others hope that they also have the courage and strength to make themselves better, whatever "better" means to that individual. My hopes of this blog is to give that momentum, not as a topic of gossip. It's time for a self inventory and not keeping my gaze lowered. It's time to meet others' gaze with courage and strength. Many times I will go through emotional episodes I'm sure. My hope is if there are readers, please understand emotions are our biggest weakness but if cultivated well, can be a great strength so please read without judgement of me individually but as judgement of what human soul, mankind is about.

Thank you.