It's been a while

Haven't been on here for a while. So far I've been eating better than before, there's been somewhat of  a change in weight. However, I have not been practicing or exercising. I have to jump back onto that band wagon. I notice I've been wasting time with things that don't really propel my achievements forward. My goals are not begin met. It's simply not enough to have a vision, I must put a step forward and keep going. If I'm thirsty, staring at the glass of water will not satiate me, I must get up and take the glass of water and drink from it. I will have to be aware of my actions from beginning to end, until the water is going down my throat and into my belly. Even then, I must be aware of when I need to expel it by urination. All this probably sounds crazy or weird but being aware of even the slightest change should help. It's really important that I learn about myself and learn how to change my life. I'm not in the best place in my life right now and if I continue on this path, there will be big problems. I have to learn to look at the positives and let those grow.

Below is a 12 week rough draft plan of what I am aiming for. There may be some changes as to what I do during yoga, meditation and cardio and what I'm eating but the times and durations will remain. For what I'm going to eat: I will not have grains from week 1 until the finish of week 4. Weeks 1-4, I will only have fruits and vegetables, lentils and beans for protein and dairy limited to just salad dressing & shredded cheese for taste on my salad. Week 5, I can start incorporating some grains into my diet for breakfast and lunch such as brown rice, oats, corn bread, quinoa, couscous, barley but I will eliminate dairy salad dressings and substitute it with homemade oil/vinegar based dressings. My dinners for all 12 weeks will be light soups or fruits and teas.

Week 1 (March 26-April 1): Wake up at 4:30am. Do yoga for 30 mins and pack my lunch before I head to work. Have breakfast in the car on the way to work.

Week 2 (April 2-April 8): Wake up at 4:30am. Do yoga for 30 mins and have breakfast at home before I head to work. Do 30 mins cardio at the gym on my way home from work & pack a lunch before I go to bed.

Week 3 (April 9-April 15): Wake up at 4:15am. Do yoga for 30 mins and have breakfast at home before I head to work. Do 30 mins cardio at the gym on my way home from work & pack a lunch before I go to bed.

Week 4 (April 16-April 22): Wake up at 4:15am. Do yoga for 30 mins and meditate for 15 minutes. Have breakfast at home before I head to work. Do 30 mins cardio at the gym on my way home from work & pack a lunch before I go to bed.

Week 5 April 23-April 29): Wake up at 4am. Do yoga for 30 mins and meditate for 15 minutes. Have breakfast at home before I head to work. Do 30 mins cardio at the gym on my way home from work & pack a lunch before I go to bed.

Week 6 (April 30-May 6): Wake up at 4am. Do yoga for 30 mins and meditate for 30 minutes. Have breakfast at home before I head to work. Do 30 mins cardio at the gym on my way home from work & pack a lunch before I go to bed.

Week 7 (May 7-May 13): Wake up at 4am. Do cardio for 15 mins, yoga for 30 mins and meditate for 30 minutes. Have breakfast at home before I head to work. Do 30 mins cardio at the gym on my way home from work & pack a lunch before I go to bed.

Week 8 (May 14-May 20): Wake up at 3:45am. Do cardio for 30 mins, yoga for 15 mins and meditate for 30 minutes. Have breakfast at home before I head to work. Do 30 mins cardio at the gym on my way home from work & pack a lunch before I go to bed.

Week 9 (May 21-May 27): Wake up at 3:45am. Do cardio for 30 mins, yoga for 15 mins and meditate for 30 minutes. Have breakfast at home before I head to work. Do 30 cardio at the gym on my way home from work and yoga for 15 mins & pack a lunch before I go to bed.

Week 10 (May 28-June 3): Wake up at 3:30am. Do cardio for 30 mins, yoga for 15 mins and meditate for 30 minutes. Have breakfast at home before I head to work. Do 30 cardio at the gym on my way home from work, yoga for 15 mins and meditate for 30 mins. Pack a lunch before I go to bed.

Week 11 (June 4-June10): Wake up at 3:30am. Do cardio for 30 mins, yoga for 30 mins and meditate for 30 minutes. Have breakfast at home before I head to work. Do 30 cardio at the gym on my way home from work, yoga for 15 mins and meditate for 30 mins. Pack a lunch before I go to bed.

Week 12 (June 11-June 17): Wake up at 3:30am. Do cardio for 45 mins, yoga for 15 mins and meditate for 30 minutes. Have breakfast at home before I head to work. Do 30 cardio at the gym on my way home from work, yoga for 15 mins and meditate for 30 mins. Pack a lunch before I go to bed.

Mother of Them All..

Today is not a good day. For some reason there's been this cloud over my head for the passed few days and today seems like the Mother of them all. It's hard to look your pain in the face and keep on. I feel insecure, like it's me against the world. Through thick and thin it's just me. I guess the pain is stemming from this place that people around me have something that I've wanted for so long and I don't have it. All I've ever wanted was someone that understood me and accepted me the way I am. Someone who loves me just as much as I love them. The years pass by and nothing changes. It's still just me. If I open up, I get hurt, I stay closed up, I still hurt. It seems so out of my reach and I wonder what I've done to deserve it. During a few of my weakest moments, I didn't have anyone to run to. No one to support me. I've become weary and tired. I like to pride myself in saying I can do it all on my own but truth is sometimes you just need that hug or comforting assurance from someone who knows every fiber in you and who's love matches every ounce of your love. I wonder if life was meant to be lived this way, so alone and on your own, why are we sharing this place, time, etc with others to even begin with? Sometimes I'm having such a difficult time letting people in and when I do let them in, I'm having a hard time letting them go. This is simply the root of my problems. I don't know how to balance it. Trust is something I don't and can't do so easily. The foundation of my trust has been shaken from the very bottom at a very early age. I mended it best I knew how but through years of wear and tear, it's crumbling and there's no hope of remodeling. It's taking a lot out of me to stay positive but I'm just so tempted to fall, not fight gravity and just let the earth swallow me up.

Old Memories

On my way home from work today, for some reason, my elementary crushes popped into my head. I thought about how much those crushes have changed from 1st, 2nd and 3rd grade until now. If I could see into the future till date back then when I was in 1st, 2nd and 3rd grade and see what these guys had turned into and what I had turned into, would I have had a different opinion of them and myself? Would that have made any impact? Would I have done anything different, lived my life differently? I remembered all my experiences, good and bad, as a child. No matter if it was good or bad, I had this huge smile plastered across my face. I hadn't even realize I had this smile on my face until I came back to the present moment and realized the corners of my mouth have been turned up. This really made me realize that if I ever have a child, I would teach him/her something I wish I had learned back then, from the very beginning: "This moment we have right now will never come back again, live it the best you can because you don't get any redoes. It's all here, it's all now and tomorrow will depend on your today so make the best of it." I realized how much I waste. I have wasted much time, still waste time, and if I continue on this path, I will waste time again tomorrow. It's this action that keeps occurring like the ripple effect in a pond. The circles ripple out, but the inner ripples are the same as the outer ripples caused by the same pebble thrown into the pond.

For some reason, this got me thinking of the heavy heart I've been having for the passed few days now. I strongly dislike feeling this vulnerable and pain. Something I have to remember from AA is that feeling is a good thing, even if it's essentially something that's not what I want to be feeling. For some reason, people in my life ditch me when/if they get something or someone different than myself. I normally would have "better" in place of "different" in that last sentence but I realized we all have skeletons in our closets. Some are hiding and some are airing out, doesn't mean that if you can't see it, people don't have it. There's no difference between a thorn you can see and a thorn that's hidden, it's after all a thorn. Both thorns retain water to nourish and both can/do sting.

Reason To Practice

Slow day at work today and thinking about my post yesterday. I think my understanding of love is a little different from what I thought love is. I have a deep respect for the people I say I love. For me, despite the differences, that love will remain without hard feelings. No matter how much time would pass. This last time that I've loved, separation is unbearable. I can't help but wonder sometimes if it would be in everyone's best interest if I did make a break. I notice my practice is stronger when I make a break even though the emptiness feels like I've been gutted. This is something to ponder on.

I don't know if this is coincidence or all in my head or real but it seems when I'm consistent with my practice, I receive things that I need at that particular time. Today I stumbled upon a quote from Asana Journal that seems to resonate with my current thoughts, situation, feelings, etc.:

        "It may take some time to understand that life can't always go our way. People move on and    change their minds, and leave us stranded. But we have to remember there's always a road that will lead us to wonderful places unseen, to people unheard and stories untold. Start practising on the mat - unlearn what we learnt and reach somewhere we have never been before."

This is something I must learn & implement in my life. Living in the past, whether reliving the sweet or bitter moments, I'm holding myself back from growing for the better. I think it's time I learned how to unlearn a few things. I have a hard time dealing with situations that don't go my way. It's to feel uncomfortable or incompetent or undesirable, etc. In all these situations I feel out of control because what I wish or will is not happening. I mean it would be hard to believe if people woke up one day hoping that they could feel uncomfortable or incompetent or undesirable. No one wills that stuff. I realize I find myself feeling these ways when people decide they've had their fill of me. I have issues when people that I care for all of a sudden decide other people are more important, not equally important. They say from their mouth that I'm equally important but their actions indicate otherwise. Since then, I lock myself/my emotions up and indulge in something. Before it was alcohol. Now it's turned into food. Food doesn't seem harmful compared to what we hear about alcoholics, but let me tell you, food is just as harmful if not more. At least with liquor you would need a license to purchase it and a cop could ticket or arrest you for consuming way too much alcohol. With food, it's everywhere!!! And no one gets in trouble for eating too much other than with their health. And for the main part, they are the only ones dealing with the repercussions of overeating.

I am have eaten myself into obesity. Granted the doctor said only my vitamin D and B12 were deficient and that's only from being a vegetarian (I also am a firm believer that drinking way too much milk contributed to my vitamin D deficiency despite what scientists have been saying that were paid by milk companies) and my cholesterol is high. But that is still not a good indication of my overall health. I don't sleep well, can't walk up a flight of stairs without being out of breath at the top of the stairs. I'm always fatigued, my self-esteem is low, I'm sure all this extra fat is pushing on organs which can cause problems. Obesity is a big problem to having a piece of mind and happiness in life. For my own sake, I need to learn to let go of by gones, let go of people who do not want to be in my life and not bend over backwards when they finally decide they want to be in it again. There are some things in life that I need to keep consistent for myself, such as making myself healthy physically, emotionally, spiritually. I cannot explain how I know this and to what level, any type of explanation would do injustice to the understanding but I think this purpose to life is not to cause this harm to ourselves and live a toxic life. Rather I think it's about learning about life and mastering it skillfully. I don't think we are given difficulties in life out of hatred or that we're not loved, but it's what we want and the result of our actions that we receive what we do. We have no one to blame other than ourselves. The more we become aware of our actions and their results, the more we're able to make better choices. We are the cause of our own suffering and/or healing.

Today, I was really struggling with facing my feelings and I noticed this. Every time an unpleasant feeling or thought comes up, I crave sweets or foods with cheese, dairy or carbs exactly the same way I craved alcohol. Now I have to keep myself focused on actually feeling, even if it's uncomfortable rather than reaching for something to eat. I cannot keep myself from eating out of spite, but coming only from a place of love and compassion. Then only will I learn and pull myself out of this Catch 22.

Random Ramblings

Yesterday was a rough day. I hadn't gotten out of bed until 12:30pm. I was drained of energy. All I did was eat, sleep, eat, sleep and finish my homework. I had absolutely zero motivation. Yesterday was really a reminder though why I am really intent on moving out of the house and away from family. I love them however it seems every time I attempt to reach up, I'm pulled down. I cannot stand all the boundaries that are crossed. The manipulation seems so apparent, even though I'm sure that is not the intention. As humans, we tend to play these games to get what we want or think is best for us and those around us. I am becoming increasingly tired of all this. I think my struggle with this is I see the manipulation but am not ready to say it out loud. I know, if I don't keep up my practice, that will also be me one day. I guess I'm afraid of what I may become and spend too much time thinking about that and wasting my energy on it rather than just getting up and doing my meditation practice. I need peace of mind and I didn't do my practice yesterday. Today was a good day of reinforcement of why I decided to pursue meditation and spiritual wellness.

Today was a rough day at work. Even though I'm really quiet and really focus on work rather than work politics, it's still around. That energy can be tiring especially when you're constantly overhearing the hostility between co-workers. Sometimes I just wish people would grow up and realize arguing and cutting each other down  is a pure waste of time and perfectly good energy. If I realized this much from what little practice I have done, I wonder what changes would come about if I were consistent with my practice. I went for yoga today after work. 

At first, I felt uncomfortable and very self conscious being there because I am so out of shape and obese that I was really sweating and this was just basic/intermediate yoga! At the end though, I felt so relaxed and stress free. the few moments of concentration I had after yoga were amazing. I really don't understand why it's not something I'm making a priority. I will watch movies, spend time with friends & family, make excuses of school work, etc but I do not sacrifice everything for this one thing that can really help you keep a healthy mind, body and spirit. I disappoint myself by placing profiles on dating sites and wasting time with men where the relationship goes nowhere. It's always the same in the end, I'm nice but not nice enough. Why then, am I spending so much time after them when I could use that same time to do something useful and beneficial? A relationship seems so useless at times, then I fall prey to memories. 

Memories of a time that I had loved whole heartedly without expecting any love in return. It was fulfilling while it had lasted. Part of me still loves that man, but I know we had to go our separate ways--in hindsight. Now I'm in love again and it's stronger than the last time 5 years ago but I'm not good enough for this man as well. It hurts to think of the sweet moments and realize they're no longer. The time has passed and I am left with nothing. It all moves on then why do I fall for it? Just when I think I am happy without a significant other, it turns itself upside down and I am hopeful again that he may care for me or love me. Why such a strong craving? I don' t even know how to being dealing with this feeling. My emotions can get the best of me sometimes but then if/when I ignore it, I'm being harsh with myself. How to be understanding and compassionate towards myself? 

The most annoying thing is that 3 years ago, I was in a good spot. I was focusing on improving myself. I was doing well with my practice, losing weight, fumbling a little in school but overall doing better than before. Then I had to walk towards temptation knowing full and well that I'm giving into a great distraction. I won't exchange these past 3 years for the world because of my love for this man but I wonder if I'm more attached to this practice because of him or if I'm really gaining benefit from it. Is it all in  my head or am I seeing changes in my thoughts and behavior? I feel that I should distance myself from this man to really give myself that space but the more I try, the more he's present in my life. It's like when you're on a diet and for some reason, everyone and their mother is eating "bad" foods around you, pulling you and sucking you back just laughing in your face. I think I really should make a clean break. If he's there after I've become settled in my mind and practice, then great. If not, perhaps I need to re-evaluate what I've been putting myself through. Perhaps I should just be blunt and honest with him, perhaps it's time I just said what's on my mind, no games no motive to make him like me. Just say it and be done. I really owe it to myself to be my own best friend and I know I give a lot for past and present best friends, why not myself then?

I feel like this entry is all over the place and no logical flow to it. It's way passed my bedtime. Hopefully yoga is not canceled tomorrow due to the snow. I am really looking forward to my yoga session.

Now It Begins

I'm a 26 year old woman, daughter, sister, coworker, student, friend, aunt, ex girlfriend who is single, obese, loving, caring/sweet, impatient, honest, self conscious, desperate, tired. Over the years I have changed so much and I have really become more hard, negative, sad, angry and rough due to all the experiences I've had. I used to be self loving, now I'm self loathing. Whether I am self loving or self loathing, I will inevitably have to live through life. There is no choice. Why then, would I choose to make it more difficult on myself than I have to? If I have to spend this time on earth, why not spend it well? I'm tired of passing my days eating, sleeping, working, watching tv/movies, living dreams in my head rather than actually living in the present moment. My dreams are nothing wrong. I want to be loved. I want to love without thinking too much and be loved back. I don't want to play games and manipulate another, nor do I want those in return. I wonder what it would be to have what others have: family & house. Many times I feel it'll be mundane. I hear so many women at work talk endlessly about their kids and how pregnancy was/is for them and their family life. I can't believe that we are lost in all these roles we play in life. Imagine if an actor or actress lost their identity. If Sandra Bullock was thinking she was all these other characters. She wouldn't know who she was anymore after the movie was over. Then she would go into the next role, then the next and next. She would eventually break down if she never knew who she really was. She would feel the need to have some role, some purpose to play to trick her mind into knowing who she really is. This happens to us all on one level or another. We get so absorbed into others that we lose ourselves and we don't know how to handle ourselves if that situation changes or the person we identify ourselves with is no longer in our life either by choice or death. 

This is something I struggle with. I don't know myself anymore. I have been struggling with being single for a very long time. I feel bad when guys talk to me for booty calls but never really wanting to stick around to be "that" guy in my life. I think it started when I was little because my family members always did their own things. I hardly saw my parents as a child. They worked 2 jobs, day and night. My sisters are 7 and 8 years older than me and they had their own friends and schooling and interests. It was never until I was older that they began including me in things. Even then and now it feels weird at times. The people I live with, I've figured out who they are so I'm comfortable living with them but they seem like nothing more than strangers. I have changed myself to be how they want me to be. I despise them for what and who I've become. Thinking that if I behaved how they wanted me to, only I would suffer. This is not the truth, I haven't been true to myself and I've become miserable as well as making them miserable because they thought behaving how they want me to behave would make me happier. Matter of fact is, it's made me more miserable and this is not what they wanted for me. Their intentions were good but it didn't work out better than what it was. However, someone smart did say to this that everything is bound to change at some point. If you keep changing things over and over again, you're picking what you like best from all the times you changed then you're not working with the true thing. This really hit me hard. If I did do overs and picked the best one from that, I've made myself more lazy and disrupted what growth would have come from it. Whatever situation I am in now, whether I like it or not, is what I need to work through. I need to let go of the past, whatever happened good or bad. I just need to think about where I am right now and where I want to be. I need to figure out how I will get there. For my own good, I should not dwell in the past, I need to live now and move forward.

Here is my beginning of letting the past go and moving forward. I will be incorporating three major techniques in my life: exercise, diet and meditation. These take time and I will have to take inventory of how I am spending my time. Something may have to go, I will need to pick what it is from my daily life that is not doing me any good and replace it with these three things. It may not be as apparent at first, but eventually I will know what is wasting my time. I will have to take risks and push beyond my limits. It might get uncomfortable or scary at times. My intention with this blog is to note all that arises, good and bad. This story is not just mine, but it is that of every being out there. I think deep down inside we know we can be better but we are stuck somewhere. We are all fighting our own demons, but in the end, they're all demons. I will make daily entries, some days may be bland, others eventful, others the worst day of my life. Whatever comes my way, I must take and work through. I hope this gives some direction to myself as I peel away the layers of hurt, sorrow, fear, etc. I know I can be better, more positive, stronger. I hope this also gives others hope that they also have the courage and strength to make themselves better, whatever "better" means to that individual. My hopes of this blog is to give that momentum, not as a topic of gossip. It's time for a self inventory and not keeping my gaze lowered. It's time to meet others' gaze with courage and strength. Many times I will go through emotional episodes I'm sure. My hope is if there are readers, please understand emotions are our biggest weakness but if cultivated well, can be a great strength so please read without judgement of me individually but as judgement of what human soul, mankind is about.

Thank you.