Old Memories

On my way home from work today, for some reason, my elementary crushes popped into my head. I thought about how much those crushes have changed from 1st, 2nd and 3rd grade until now. If I could see into the future till date back then when I was in 1st, 2nd and 3rd grade and see what these guys had turned into and what I had turned into, would I have had a different opinion of them and myself? Would that have made any impact? Would I have done anything different, lived my life differently? I remembered all my experiences, good and bad, as a child. No matter if it was good or bad, I had this huge smile plastered across my face. I hadn't even realize I had this smile on my face until I came back to the present moment and realized the corners of my mouth have been turned up. This really made me realize that if I ever have a child, I would teach him/her something I wish I had learned back then, from the very beginning: "This moment we have right now will never come back again, live it the best you can because you don't get any redoes. It's all here, it's all now and tomorrow will depend on your today so make the best of it." I realized how much I waste. I have wasted much time, still waste time, and if I continue on this path, I will waste time again tomorrow. It's this action that keeps occurring like the ripple effect in a pond. The circles ripple out, but the inner ripples are the same as the outer ripples caused by the same pebble thrown into the pond.

For some reason, this got me thinking of the heavy heart I've been having for the passed few days now. I strongly dislike feeling this vulnerable and pain. Something I have to remember from AA is that feeling is a good thing, even if it's essentially something that's not what I want to be feeling. For some reason, people in my life ditch me when/if they get something or someone different than myself. I normally would have "better" in place of "different" in that last sentence but I realized we all have skeletons in our closets. Some are hiding and some are airing out, doesn't mean that if you can't see it, people don't have it. There's no difference between a thorn you can see and a thorn that's hidden, it's after all a thorn. Both thorns retain water to nourish and both can/do sting.