Random Ramblings

Yesterday was a rough day. I hadn't gotten out of bed until 12:30pm. I was drained of energy. All I did was eat, sleep, eat, sleep and finish my homework. I had absolutely zero motivation. Yesterday was really a reminder though why I am really intent on moving out of the house and away from family. I love them however it seems every time I attempt to reach up, I'm pulled down. I cannot stand all the boundaries that are crossed. The manipulation seems so apparent, even though I'm sure that is not the intention. As humans, we tend to play these games to get what we want or think is best for us and those around us. I am becoming increasingly tired of all this. I think my struggle with this is I see the manipulation but am not ready to say it out loud. I know, if I don't keep up my practice, that will also be me one day. I guess I'm afraid of what I may become and spend too much time thinking about that and wasting my energy on it rather than just getting up and doing my meditation practice. I need peace of mind and I didn't do my practice yesterday. Today was a good day of reinforcement of why I decided to pursue meditation and spiritual wellness.

Today was a rough day at work. Even though I'm really quiet and really focus on work rather than work politics, it's still around. That energy can be tiring especially when you're constantly overhearing the hostility between co-workers. Sometimes I just wish people would grow up and realize arguing and cutting each other down  is a pure waste of time and perfectly good energy. If I realized this much from what little practice I have done, I wonder what changes would come about if I were consistent with my practice. I went for yoga today after work. 

At first, I felt uncomfortable and very self conscious being there because I am so out of shape and obese that I was really sweating and this was just basic/intermediate yoga! At the end though, I felt so relaxed and stress free. the few moments of concentration I had after yoga were amazing. I really don't understand why it's not something I'm making a priority. I will watch movies, spend time with friends & family, make excuses of school work, etc but I do not sacrifice everything for this one thing that can really help you keep a healthy mind, body and spirit. I disappoint myself by placing profiles on dating sites and wasting time with men where the relationship goes nowhere. It's always the same in the end, I'm nice but not nice enough. Why then, am I spending so much time after them when I could use that same time to do something useful and beneficial? A relationship seems so useless at times, then I fall prey to memories. 

Memories of a time that I had loved whole heartedly without expecting any love in return. It was fulfilling while it had lasted. Part of me still loves that man, but I know we had to go our separate ways--in hindsight. Now I'm in love again and it's stronger than the last time 5 years ago but I'm not good enough for this man as well. It hurts to think of the sweet moments and realize they're no longer. The time has passed and I am left with nothing. It all moves on then why do I fall for it? Just when I think I am happy without a significant other, it turns itself upside down and I am hopeful again that he may care for me or love me. Why such a strong craving? I don' t even know how to being dealing with this feeling. My emotions can get the best of me sometimes but then if/when I ignore it, I'm being harsh with myself. How to be understanding and compassionate towards myself? 

The most annoying thing is that 3 years ago, I was in a good spot. I was focusing on improving myself. I was doing well with my practice, losing weight, fumbling a little in school but overall doing better than before. Then I had to walk towards temptation knowing full and well that I'm giving into a great distraction. I won't exchange these past 3 years for the world because of my love for this man but I wonder if I'm more attached to this practice because of him or if I'm really gaining benefit from it. Is it all in  my head or am I seeing changes in my thoughts and behavior? I feel that I should distance myself from this man to really give myself that space but the more I try, the more he's present in my life. It's like when you're on a diet and for some reason, everyone and their mother is eating "bad" foods around you, pulling you and sucking you back just laughing in your face. I think I really should make a clean break. If he's there after I've become settled in my mind and practice, then great. If not, perhaps I need to re-evaluate what I've been putting myself through. Perhaps I should just be blunt and honest with him, perhaps it's time I just said what's on my mind, no games no motive to make him like me. Just say it and be done. I really owe it to myself to be my own best friend and I know I give a lot for past and present best friends, why not myself then?

I feel like this entry is all over the place and no logical flow to it. It's way passed my bedtime. Hopefully yoga is not canceled tomorrow due to the snow. I am really looking forward to my yoga session.