...pick yourself up and try again...dust yourself off and try again, try again... I keep saying I will start practicing again, exercising, eating healthy, study, etc. I do not follow through. I haven't practiced once since last summer. I haven't gone for a walk for the sake of exercise probably since December last year. I might eat healthy for the beginning portion of the day then binge the second half. I haven't studied since Fall 2013. I just realized yesterday how much time and money I've wasted over these years in regards to my studies. I'm only a few classes away from graduating and I now have to wait a long while because I was neglectful and didn't give it my all. I graduated high school in 2004, I should at the very least have my Masters now considering how much time and money I've put into this. This is really not the time to procrastinate. I should have been 4 years strong into practicing, achieved at least the slightest bit, yet nothing. I have nothing to show for the time I've been capable. Same thing with weight loss. I have really let myself down. I also noticed yesterday that if I continue down the path I've been going, I will have one messed up head and I won't even be able to help myself. I really don't want to do something because I'm all of a sudden forced to; I need to start now. I can turn things around if I start this very moment. I must put aside the excuses and distractions. You know what always gets me off track? People. Whether it's family, friends, love interests; everyone expresses a need and I work hard to fulfill it when I could've put all that towards making myself better. Oh, this person is crying? Let me wipe their tears. Oh, that person needs help? Let me spend my time and money. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with giving but I have to take care of myself first. No one is going to be there when I need them most. Even my own family has rubbed salt on my wounds. That being said though, they never did it maliciously and I have to be sure to remind myself of that.
How does one start to change when there's so much that needs changing? People always say start small; how do I start small when all these changes apply to everyday lifestyle? I would have to concentrate on change from the moment I wake up to the moment I sleep and even beyond that. That is some tough shit and I can see myself being really mean because I'd be struggling through those changes. If I don't change though, I can see myself being really miserable because I'd be unhappy as hell and it would be a downward spiral. At least the first seems more appealing because I'd be temporarily a mean person. I must push myself, there is no one else there to push me. I'm all I've got and I must give it to myself to be all I know I can be. I can't worry about the struggles that will come after because I'll overwhelm myself then. I have to take it one day at a time, one hour at a time if need be or even one minute at a time, but I will do this. I need to be able to look myself in the mirror. Answer to myself. Be proud of myself. I need to have confidence in myself. I need to love myself. All that I'm looking for from others, I must learn to give myself. I must learn to choose the positive and change the negative.
God, grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change, the COURAGE to change the things I can and the WISDOM to know the difference today.
I will create a list of goals for myself for the day. I will blog at the end of every single one of my days of how the day went and progress on the goals I had set for the day. It will be dry at times but I will do it; it helps to have a visual rather than just remembering. At this point in my life, I need to see the problems to be able to change them.
Signing off for now...
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