First Nightly Entry

So the end of the day is here. I finished 1 thing from my list of 9 for today. Currently I'm blogging and that will be the 2nd item I finish from today's list. After I log off from blogging, I'll have 4 things crossed off as I plan to meditate while lying in bed waiting to fall asleep. 40% for the day is not too shabby considering I normally hit 10-20% on a daily basis.

I wasted time again today watching a couple shows. But I give myself kudos for shutting it off to be sure I make this entry and seeing what else I can do to cross off more from my list for today before calling it quits. Today, during one of the shows I got really sad because a father was becoming emotional about his daughter growing older and becoming interested in guys. I became sad thinking I will miss this in my life because I'm so sure I will never have it. It feels so far, so unattainable to me. I have a feeling I will become an old maid and have tons of cats because I can't stand dogs. I only might've cried for 2-3 minutes but it was 2-3 minutes I would've rather lived without. I don't like crying, I don't like feeling something is out of my control. Why do I want this so bad and I'm not getting it? I've wanted this since I was little. I felt I was ready since I was 22. Here I am, turning 28 in about a month and not even close to having a family of my own. It's like someone punched the life out of me. I've accepted defeat, waving my white flag. I've surrendered yet I'm still being slaughtered ruthlessly. Meg's words are coming back to me though: life could be much worse. I live in a home, have some good health, food in my belly, water at my disposal, electricity at my fingertips, a functioning brain and limbs, I have a job, a car...and yet I think poor me. I think I need to start focusing on the positives in my life and be more thankful.

On the flip side, everyone is facing difficulties no matter if it's first world or third world. Everyone's problems are different relative to what situation they're in. I want to be content with my life no matter where in life I am. I wish no one ever faces the place I'm in right now because it's really heart wrenching. I would never wish this upon my enemy. Not having the one I love. Not having the prospect of someone in my life. Not having children or even the hope of having children. Not having achieved anything in life. I hope for all in existence that they receive proper guidance and are able to avoid the situation I'm in or at the very least be able to come out of it so fast that it doesn't jade them. I hope they find their purpose in life for waking up every morning and moving on with the day. I hope they find their passion and contribution to mankind. I hope everyone finds their happiness and is in sheer ecstasy till their last breath. I hope...