Much has changed since I last blogged. I've moved to Central Ohio, working as a Project Manager and am pursuing my Master's in Computer Science. There are, however, a few things that have not changed: I'm still obese, I'm struggling with meditating everyday (although it is better than what it used to be), I haven't been as active since moving here about 8 months ago. The lists of change and sameness can go on and on.
I keep forgetting I have this blog where I can express myself, fallen out of the habit after my sister snooped and found my diary about 10 years or so ago. Totally turned me off to writing. But I need an outlet...there's a shift happening (or already happened) in my life and I need a tool to cope with it. Since moving here, I haven't made a single friend which is the most mind boggling thing to me ever. I'm used to making friends anywhere I've worked, but here, people are focused on their children and putting up a facade at work that they can't let people into their lives and families outside of work. It's hilarious that these people call themselves Christians. Such hypocrites and the irony... They're all Republicans saying there should be a limit to government involvement in our lives, yet they complain when government won't help them keep jobs such as coal mining (which contributes to global warming despite their denying it) because they don't want to learn a new trade EVEN THOUGH THE GOVERNMENT WOULD PAY FOR THEM TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL. It's a sad excuse of a place. But on the flip side, it's helping me focus on my studies.
The reason why I am turning to this blog is I've lost friends from back home...they have moved on with life without me, the man I call my best friend and love has also refused to see me, the distance has been great in regards to my family because they drive me nuts when we're together, I haven't made friends in this god forsaken town and I'm feeling very broken. The thing is, I have a two bedroom place, too big for me alone. Ignorant, biased, unkind people all around me. What's killing me inside is that I was so excited about seeing him last week, but guess what...he didn't want to see me. I miss him, everyday, with every breath I take. He's home to me. I'm feeling broken. My heart literally, no joke, aches and pains. Feels like it's broken into pieces. There's a hole there that can't be filled. I try to move on, my mind is telling me it's important to move forward and grow through this...how can I if he's the air to my fire? The wave to my ocean? The right to my left? The peanut butter to my jelly? The breath to my life? Now I'm pretty feminist and I'm not saying that a man should covet a woman's identity and that she must be submissive...all I'm saying is that in him (outside of myself) I've found the one I want to be better for. I know I'm not his type romantically, but as my dearest friend, someone I thought we could still share our lives...all done? It feels like the wind has been punched out of me. It's not about loneliness, it's about deep sorrow--so deep it feels like dying would be the better option. I've become so tired, I just want my soul to rest. I want to rejuvenate it and nurture it, but can't find that within me right now. I just want to crumble and fall, let everything, every part of life fade away...wither away until it's dust in the wind.
My question comes back full circle...what am I doing this for? Why am I here? What is my purpose? Surely there has to be more reason for me to exist than for me to go to work while pursuing my education so that I can do different work, cook once a while (for one person), see a few movies and die. Married life and building a family isn't the only achievement in a person's life, but as I get older, the majority of people around me are or have been married and/or have children. Hardly any of them are in the same boat as me...it's difficult to find a solid group of people to connect with because we don't live each other's lives, we can't entirely relate. It's very isolating. I am finding that about myself is that I don't like isolation...Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't want a husband and children just to fit in the crowd, but I've wanted that my whole life. I still see a baby and my heart melts. I see two people in love and think it's the most beautiful thing. I'm a big softy in that sense. I want it for me though, I want someone I come home to, someone committed to me and someone I commit to. And I don't want it to be just someone, I want it to be him. I want to love him without limits, I want him to love me without limits. What a pipe dream...anyway, back to bitching about "friends."
I don't have a huge group of friends, but when I consider someone a friend, I consider them to be close to me. Every time though..."friends" move on and don't keep trying...don't keep me in the group. Is there something wrong with me? I've asked that to myself again and again. You know the answer I find? We usually meet when they need something/someone...they're going through a period in their life and voila, I'm there. They find solace and strength in our friendship, then they ditch me when shit is going well. And I'm left in the dust. I'm not included part of their happiness. When I need them, they're no where to be found. Side note: one of my friends who used to be my manager apparently took a trip with other friends to Alabama...further than here. I'd been asking her to visit. I tried spending time with her when I went back home, she made some excuses. I guess I don't fit into the mom's club.
There was one exception...he was there without me asking him to be...now he's moving on too. I can't handle it this time...I'm broken, tired, I surrender...I give up.
There are days I imagine a huge knife or sword just going through the middle of my chest, through my lungs, through my heart and coming out the other side. Blood oozing from the cut, warm, sticky, maroon blood. Just draining my body until my body looses warmth, turns bluish gray and becomes heavy as soon as my soul departs this burden of a life. How wonderful and light I would feel just letting my life go, drifting away from these desires and sorrows. Never shedding a tear again. Never feeling my heart ache and pain, swelling with happiness or sadness. Just nothingness. Don't have to deal with my eyes welling up with salty tears, sinuses congesting up, and my head hurting from crying. Never would I ever have to deal with the knots in my neck and back from never being touched, from never feeling the warmth of a body, from turning cold and rigid due to zero human intimacy...
No comments:
Post a Comment